Shawn Season 5

[jpgr.livejournal.com]

5x1 Romeo and Juliet and Juliet

1990—Never got to take karate lessons
Fired Ken 4 days after hiring him
Introduces Gus as John Jacob Jingly Smith
Is on Twitter
When he was 8 it took him 3 weeks to get his Easter eggs and still missed two
Takes wushu lesson for 2 hours and splintered a board
Friended by Cassandra Peterson (Elvira)
Likes ping-pong, Chao’s chicken, Chinese checkers and finds Chinese fire drills “immensely entertaining”
Refused to let what happened with Yin rule his life
Made it through all seven levels of Shaq Fu on Nintendo
Used to run around karate chopping everything in the house as a kid

5x2 Feet, Don’t Kill Me Now

1993—briefly went by the name DJ Coldcuts
Believes it’s 2008
Not allowed to say “true that”
Introduces Gus as Santonio Holmes and Dion Richman

5x3 Not Even Close…Encounters

1990—believes in UFOs, aliens and conspiracies
Put peanut butter on Lassiter’s phone
Believes Joe Piscopo was abducted by aliens
Struggles with tone deafness
Cousin has a personal injury law firm called “Accidentes”
Lists 22 packs of Razzles and season tickets to the LA Sparks as expenses
On Lassiter’s crap list

5x4 Chivalry Isn’t Dead…But Someone Is

Introduces Gus as Chaz Bono
Was born in February
Used to wear 3 earrings because of Tears for Fears
Receives a pair of diamond (?) cufflinks
Was “barely” poisoned
Saw all of the Emmanuelle movies
Misspelled his own name
Guest lecturer for Clive Prescott

5x5 Shawn and Gus in Drag…Racing

1990—tried to drive Henry’s truck
Calls Gus “Chocolate Einstein”
Introduces Gus as MC Clap Your Handz
Accidentally through Gus’ wallet into a fireplace
Can play “Sowing the Seeds of Love” on the recorder
Accidentally cut the brake line when attaching the nitrous
Gives Gus the street name “Mrs Whiddleberry”
Uses CK1
Keeps a pea-coat and a windbreaker at the office

5x6 Viagra Falls

Gets called Ricky Nelson by Peters
Introduces Gus as Imhotep and Control-Alt-Delete
Weighs 172lbs
Older than Gus

5x7 Ferry Tale

Easily distracted by candy bars (Snickers)
Has seen “Friday”

5x8 Shawn 2.0

Listens to chick-lit audios (took to drinking shaken martinis, beer and playing office golf overnight in the office)
Gets the daily trivia question at the coffee shop every morning
Over-enunciates when uncomfortable
Literally mailed in his last case
Chased a ball onto the field at Dodger Stadium
Bought 3 pairs of Hammer pants thinking they were coming back
Invites Gina Raypek(?) to a wedding, the first time they’ve spoken since he was shot
Once claimed to be a background dancer in the “Thriller” video
Confesses his love of Curt Smith to the man’s face

5x9 One, Maybe Two, Ways Out

1990—believes in UFOs, aliens and conspiracies
Put peanut butter on Lassiter’s phone
Believes Joe Piscopo was abducted by aliens
Struggles with tone deafness
Cousin has a personal injury law firm called “Accidentes”
Lists 22 packs of Razzles and season tickets to the LA Sparks as expenses
On Lassiter’s crap list

5x10 Extradition II: The Actual Extradition Part

Follows Despereaux on Twitter
Was quiet the entire flight to Vancouver
Watched “The Backup Plan” all the way through
Tipped the valet at the hotel with a York Peppermint Patty (“way too generous”)
Sent Despereaux a birthday present because he got jeans for Christmas
Forgot Gus’s birthday
Introduces Gus as Yasmine Bleeth
Thought McIntosh’s password was Senor Whopperpants
Finally confesses his feeling to Juliet “The point is, since I met you... I've been thinking about getting a car.
Finally gets together with Juliet

5x11 In Plain Fright

Has to keep his relationship with Juliet secret
Is going to opening night of Scare Fest with Gus
Hasn’t told Gus about Juliet
Couldn’t say know when Gus started crying
Never lets Gus finish a sentence when he’s lying
Thought a sponge in the office was an owl
Gus dragged him to Clog-a-Palooza
“Accidentally” threw away a jury summons and a W2
Keeps calling Lassiter Velma
Got distracted by shiny ribbon candy
Shoots Jamie in the arm with a BB gun
Tells Gus about Juliet

5x12 Dual Spires

Introduces Gus as Lodge Blackmunn
Found pictures of Joan Cusack in Gus’s nightstand
Thinks Jet Blackness would be a great porn name for Gus
Planned to play the theme to “Weird Science” all the way home

5x13 We’d Like to Thank the Academy

Disarms a man under surveillance
Owns “CHiP’s” on DVD
Broke down crying watching Humane Society commercial
Doesn’t know what dysentery is
Injury free since June last year
Memory retention of about 10 hours
Calls Juliet “Doodle Pumpkin”
Introduces Gus as Mission Figs
Keeps loosing his uniform “accessories”
“Procured” 11 bags of groceries (which included a giant ham, 23 boxes of Cap’n Crunch and soymilk) while crime scene was being processed

5x14 The Polarizing Express

Is caught on tape conducting an unauthorized search and the Chief suspends him pending an IA investigation
Was up all night due to drinking “Monster” and watched the unrated version of Bad Santa, the first Austin Powers and Back-to-back episodes of Jake in Progress
Hasn’t made his bed in 15 years
Has seen Friday 79 times
Big fan of Tony Cox
Has a thing for Frau Farbissina from Austin powers
Has never seen “It’s a Wonderful Life” or “A Christmas Carol”
Drove the Weinermobile in Madison
Gave tours at Graceland
Made a promise to himself as a kid to never grow up
Got kicked out of Little League for corking his bat
Has two backstage passes to Ralph Tresvant
Gets the Chief to reinstate Henry

5x15 Dead Bear Walking

Introduces Gus as Radio Star and Gusjay Gupta
Worked at an Arby’s once
Does marzipan sugar sculpting
Would escape if sent to prison
If the documentary is ever made into a movie, wants to be played by Cillian Murphy
Lets Lassiter “solve” the case so he will look good in his sister’s eyes

5x16 Yang 3 in 2D

1990 – Meets a woman who he later learns was Yang
If he had a choice, would like to die by a firing squad made from comics like George Carlin, Lou Costello, Richard Pryor and Adam Brody
Fields 6.8 Yin calls a day
Likes hard candy
Sees the photo of himself and Yang for the first time
Wore his jeans “7 months straight”
“Artistically challenged”—still makes hand turkeys
He-Man sheets on his old bed
Stopped wearing name-brand shirts after his 9th birthday because he didn’t want to promote products without getting paid for it
Has been in his room twice in the last 15 years
His LP collection includes Van Halen, Tears for Fears, The Smiths, Depeche Mode, Thompson Twins, Men Without Hats and Echo and the Bunnymen
He arranges LPs by order of “sweetness”
Still has a VCR and a laser-disc player
First impression of Yin is “hideous”
“has the tenacity of a silver fox and the instincts of a dragonfly”
States he will protect Juliet and that he thinks she’s swell